Patrimonious
a Novel by Tweed Jefferson
Meet the Old Man: sixty years seasoned, irritable, and springing more memory leaks than a rusted bucket. He has no patience for oatmeal, overboiled eggs, or the pastel-scrubbed staff who chirpily demand he “join the fun.” His dream retirement plan? To be ignored long enough to decompose in peace. Reality? He’s stuck at Sunrise—a facility that reeks of disinfectant, despair, and the slow death of dignity by bingo card.
Still, don’t mistake foggy memory for weakness. He remembers how to hotwire a UPS truck, how to fall without shattering bones (thanks to a childhood of repressed-gymnast rage), and how to turn spite into a full-time philosophy. One rash act of vehicular larceny later, he’s on the lam with a suspiciously clever dog, a semi-coherent plan, and the nagging suspicion that either he’s unraveling—or society is.
Enter Shaun: painter, weed enthusiast, and reluctant legal piñata. His life is an obstacle course of subpoenas, family manipulation, and the smoldering wreckage of his own bad decisions. All he really wants is to drink coffee in the woods and not answer the phone. Instead, he’s got sabotage from his ex, guilt-tripping relatives, courtroom drama, and spiritual whiplash courtesy of his cowboy-preacher brother.
Patrimonious is a caustically funny, painfully human novel about aging, memory loss, broken families, and the slow collapse of the so-called American Dream. It’s equal parts anarchist road trip, courtroom satire, generational cage match, and love story gone scorched-earth. Perfect for readers who:
Have daydreamed about busting out of assisted living in a stolen vehicle.
Carry at least one buried decade of family trauma.
Would gleefully burn a house down just to spite a narcissistic ex.
Believe a proper road novel requires crime, greasy burritos, and righteous fury.
Loaded with anti-capitalist bite, savage takes on masculinity, and enough black comedy to get banned in polite company, Patrimonious reads like what happens when Hunter S. Thompson and Chuck Palahniuk crash a family reunion hosted by an angry Zen gardener—with only one of them sober enough to operate a motor vehicle.
Content advisory: foul language, geriatric outlaws, legal farce, emotional haymakers, unsolicited political rants, weaponized family ties, and one deeply judgmental dog.
Listen to Patrimonious Radio
As the Old Man travels around the Fresno area, he tunes into local radio station, QPOP, where the news reports on his rampage.
Listen along with him. These songs are oddly relevant.
“It’ll be fun; you’ll see.” -Nate Butler
About the Author
Meet the Author of Patrimonious, Tweed Jefferson
Tweed Jefferson (1980-2025) wrote more than a dozen books, bouncing between fiction, non-fiction, and whatever hybrid he felt like at the time. He also collected black belts in Japanese martial arts, played an unreasonable number of instruments, and had a habit of building things that no one asked for—custom arcade cabinets, hand-carved guitars, you name it. Quarantine found him hammering out novels at a reckless pace before veering off into wildlife veterinary studies, because why not?
For over twenty years, Tweed lived two parallel careers: one in music production and publishing, working in studios and on tour with award-winning artists; the other in web and graphic design, the so-called “real job” that paid for guitar strings and rent. Both worlds bled into his writing: the chaos of touring and recording became fodder for the Rockstar Nobody series, while his practical know-how spawned a DIY musician’s survival guide. As Executive Editor at Squill Publishing, he spent his time sharpening other people’s words (and occasionally their egos).
Tweed also delighted in creating experiences beyond the page. Rockstar Nobody wasn’t just a novel—it came with a full album of original tracks recorded “by” the band at the heart of the story. He was AuDHD (autistic and ADHD) and outspoken about mental health, especially the need for real compassion and understanding around suicidal ideation.
Other Books by This Author
Rockstar Nobody
Join rock band The Walls Instead as they embark on their debut tour through the American Southwest. Like most bands, they’ll meet new fans, play exciting shows, kill bad people, party all night, and get lost on the interstate highway system.
Wait…what?
Based on Jefferson's own experiences on the road with bands. Minus the murder part. Wink. Did you wink or did you say wink?
Mudpedal Clark Gets a Guitar
He’s ten years old. He likes skateboarding, comic books, and putting off his math homework. But everything changes the day he walks into a music store and walks out with a black Ibanez guitar, a tiny practice amp, and a head full of dreams.
At first, it’s just about learning to play. Barre chords. Buzzing frets. A few sore fingers. But the more he practices, the more he falls in love with it. His fingers toughen. His strumming gets stronger. Before long, he’s jamming with his cousin Corky – a 14-year-old drummer who wears a bandana even when he’s not sweating – and his dad, who decides to take up bass just to hang out with his kid.
Together, they form a ragtag band that somehow ends up on TV, playing shows at roadhouses, and opening for an actual blues legend on tour.
But while the world sees a rising star, Mudpedal isn’t so sure. Fame is louder than he expected. Touring is exhausting. Fans are weird. And being recognized in every town they stop in? That’s not always as fun as it sounds.
What happens when you’re living your dream — and it starts to feel like someone else’s?
Freshman Nobody
Freshman year of high school is never easy. Even harder when you don’t fit in. In this book, we experience the internal and external struggles of one teen as they learn about the world – and people – around them. An exploration of the burdens that can be carried over from youth into adulthood.
Undiagnosed autistic, confused, and abused, Freshman Nobody takes us through ninth grade with a boy who experiments with sex, drugs, and anything else he thinks might help him cope.
Mature Content, Ages 14+